Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just took my morning after pill in the library
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
