I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
