HIV tests are more positive than that guy
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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