the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
