I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
