Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
