The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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