i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
