I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
All I want is dick and wine.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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