Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
