yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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