I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize