alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
