we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
it's like heaven, but drunker
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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