I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
