dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize