I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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