I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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