make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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