Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
