also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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