Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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