she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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