I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
