I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I faked an abortion last night.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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