I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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