Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
