I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am available for nakedness
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
