my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
4 words: hood of his car
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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