Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
