oh god the rape fog is back!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
