even my farts smell like vagina
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
