i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize