enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
