i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
