Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
