I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
