i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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