You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
