when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize