Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
