We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
