i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
