all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
