I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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