Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
