He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
