your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
