sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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