I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
