I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
