I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
