Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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