I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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