Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
