Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
