i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
