We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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