can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
