yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
