Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
